4. Smile and Pretend
I have this recurring dream where I am back in college and I haven’t achieved much. No Columbia University, no United Nations, no Tarim, no family, no Sanad. I wake up doubting everything.
In a thought-provoking TED talk, Lesley Hazelton argues that doubt is essential to faith. She shares the story of the Prophet Muhammad’s first revelation and the awe, emotion, and doubt he experienced in the first moments — peace and blessings of Allah be upon him. He could only tremble and asked to be covered by his beloved wife Khadija — Allah be pleased with her.
Life and the work of Sanad has been filled with moments of certain doubt living beside certain faith. I have come to terms with this only after many years of being bruised by the tumble and toss that occurs between the two.
What we can never be is in despair. That is doubt unhinged from certainty altogether. Every time I was close to that (and there were times) Allah caught me…showed me…His jalal and ikram…His proximity…His Majesty.
There was a time in our third year when I was on stage at our annual gala and no one knew we had no place to go, no lease in place, no idea of what our next move would be. We simply knew in our hearts that the work has always been for Allah and our children. And Allah always will remain, so we too must remain committed as well.
As I stood on stage filled with doubt, all I could do was smile and pretend that I was okay…that we were okay. Then I sat, in a quiet moment, backstage with my wife and the scholars who had accepted our invitation. And they did what good companions do, they covered the doubts.
Now, 13 years later, we are days away from another benefit gala. And, yes, there is still doubt. Will anyone show up? Will people be generous? Will we raise what we need for the Foundation and the children? Will my mother, my wife, and my children worry? Will I fail our staff, our students, and our families? Am I capable of carrying this if my doubts materialize?
I remind myself though of a principle in fiqh that says: “Certainty is not lifted by a doubt.”. And also a tradition of the Prophet – peace be upon him – in which he said, “The most true words said by a poet was the words of Labid. — Verily, Everything except Allah is in vain…”.
So, all these years later, there is more certainty than doubt.
And, I am certain now, that after all my doubts and the upcoming gala…Allah will remain. He has always been with us and the work of Sanad.
I’m also certain that it’s okay for my doubt and certainty to live in the same heart. On Feb. 10, have no doubts about the impact of your generosity.
– Rehan
Rehan Mirza is an organizational psychologist, educator, and father. He completed his graduate studies at Teacher’s College, Columbia University in New York City, then spent formative time in the company of the students and scholars of Dar al Mustafa in Tarim. He has worked with the UNHCR in Geneva and taught social sciences as an adjunct professor in Miami. He writes, speaks, and consults on parenting, education, and institution-building. Rehan is the Founding Executive Director of Sanad Trust Foundation, a nonprofit that provides education, wellness, and community programs for children, families, and elders.
